Diary 16th December 2015

PS This blog post contains GRAPHIC content by means of self harm. Well what a day today was.

It all started when I got up for to help Dad with the  garden Christmas lights. That was no bother.

However thou I was also due to hand in documents that I had gathered over the past few days from my GP Doctor, my landlord etc., and of course bills etc., etc., and I handed them in. So Mom n I headed onto my Social Welfare. Well what happened, I never thought in my wildest dreams that this would ever happen to me as I'm about to explain. So I handed in my stuff. I was getting impatient waiting around due to the security's guy management of the ticketing system of the Supplemental Welfare Allowance. When I got their in the end, the guy asked what Payment am I awaiting for. I said that I'm on IB(Injury Benefit). He said that ain't permanent. I knew that. So he then suggested that I go onto Disability Allowance, HOWEVER He went to ask someone in the background of which I overheard. I got visibly very upset, and the guy relayed the message to me. He said I should go back onto JSA(Job Seeker's Allowance). So to get that, I go to Intreo which is NEXT door tot the main building. I went their. The woman their told me that to get that, I should get a FINAL Cert from my GP to get my JSA back. So then armed with this information, I went back tot eh guy, told him this and he told me, here's a check. Come back to him Wed 30th with a Letter from JSA stating that I have OPENED a claim, and that he'll pay me, while I await my claim for JSA.

So armed with this info, I told Mom. I told her "Brace yourself". So visibly I was getting further upset with water eyes. So with the check, I went to the bank in AIB. After that, I said to Mom in the car on the way home to Griffith Ave., "I'd do anything to have a sleeve". So I held one of my Scarfy. Mom said "don't you dare. He's too good". Something to that affect. So then jst about we were near home, I literally broke down crying, very upset, and of course my sleeve stuffed in my mouth. awwwwwww. It was all getting too much for me. So then when I came home, Mom got me a cuppa of coffee, and continued to break down. My sis n my Dad were outside doing the lights, they didn't know what to do. Mom comforted me, crying herself.  She kept insisting, everything will be alrite. Like my issue is STABILITY. Dad gave me some more money, to tide me over for the next few weeks. I was just so devastated. Continued to be hysterically crying. I continued expressing, "I was almost sure it was all over., I could have sworn it would be all over. "

So then I decided to get ready for to meet my mate Searson. However I had gotten a message Saigon that due to weather he won't be able to make it. So I went instead to plan on getting my sis' Floppy doggy n my new puppy called Kathleen. awwwwwww. However it is with great sadness that I regret to inform you, that due to my increase urges that I self harmed in the shower with a Swiss Army knife. I basically scratched until their was a bit of blood, then I continued at it, then after awhile I literally bit it. I basically went back to my habit in Romania, whereby I bit on my skin when I am stressed or whatever. In Romania, ie the orphanage, I used to bite on my skin, and then one the Matrons or whatever they call themselves, gave me a comfort rag. Hence the sleeve. eheheh.

So then I got dressed, went to get Floppy and Kathleen. Then I headed back to my sis to deliver her Floppy. Then I headed onto meet O' Farrell. Now I hadn't seen Brendan in ages. So was great to see him. However as he had brought up what's NOW a trigger, I self harmed again in the bathroom, by means of biting the injury, I had done previously in the shower, but the biting in question occurred in eh bathroom. So then afterwards, I headed back to my sis to collect my Kathleen and headed on back home. heehehe