Diary 30th January 2016

I'm with my mom queuing up for drivers license. Then out of the blue these men come out of nowhere. I tell mom to go and get down n hide. However they spot her n shoot her in the leg. I cover up her mouth to prevent screaming. N she does what Clarkes father did in that she don't want to be saved. So the guy holds her by her hair n the screams!!!!! Then he rips off her head. I go into manic n can't scream anymore. So in a fit I attempt to jump off the floor. I tell everyone down below to move away. A woman then catches me. But she herself is caught. So that said the men them throw me off as per my wish. 

So then afterwards, after being in bed for almost a week, today was my first day officially out of bed. So I headed out to see Star Wars. 

When I came back, I put away shopping I had bought last Sunday. 

Diary 28th January 2016

Sad thought but happyish towards the end. I've been diagnosed cancer ♋ as a result of the lump on me back. I tell my folks. They recommend I don't tell me sis. However I would tell her in person. I then proceed to tell her. I'll be going into hospital n chances are of me coming out of it are slim. So on my dying bed I'm there saying my goodbyes n then just abt me going that I see Mariana n her two daughters aka my two step sisters. Its what they call a miracle. I then proceed to say Mama. But then when I see Him I say oh. So I scream Mariana instead. I threaten the cop with the European court of human rights cause I know Romanian courts are as corrupt as themselves if u ever touches her with anything. I then lastly exclaim that my life was over when I came out. Enjoying family unity. Kathleen's Doncaster trip etc. Janices house Asda  with my sis meal out with the Mulligans in campo......

Maureen called by to give me grub. Then went back for further sleep. Then got up for mom. We were to collect my social welfare and then head to ndls. However with the rain, and of course traffic to add onto of all that not a chance. So we left it. The guy in post office me thinking he is Italian is actually Romanian. He told me "I'm Romanian. I see yuo are too".  Says I back to him "God You took your time. Hahaha".  So wet left it at multmesc, his reply cu placere which means you're welcome. I thought it was funny thou. Hahaha

So went to moms house for a grub too. Waited for dad to return from his lunch which he has every month with his retires teachers. Dad returns. He told me a memory which I got a fit of laughing. wherreby when my sis n i came over from Romania we went to this house in fox rock to have a meal. Then on the way home my sis says to mom or dad can we go to McDonalds. Aweee. This woman was teaching with dad. Her daughter worked out in NV orphanage. I checked up on dads computer one last time. I defaulted his email program to the original. Hehehe.

Headed to my sis. Then a cuppa. So while I was with my sis Maureen rang to congratulate me on my citizenship I told her off this memory and hence it came back to her.

So came home. 

Diary 21st January 2016

Well while I was sleeping Afterall I hadn't slept for the day Wednesday heheheh.

So as such I had the following dreams.

Whereby I throw the bomb into the Domican College grounds which is a secondary school up the road from where I grew up. hehehe. However the red light is flashing and as such I throw it at the lights of Grace Park Road. We all are affected.

The above dream in my opinion was as a direct result of when Mom told me thaat American's say "Get a life" relating to my sis' personal issues(which obvious I ain't gonna get into).

Then a thought entered my mind, in which I actually got up was I'm with my partner and that I have an episode of stress ie crying consistently and that the partner can't handle it. So he dumps me into Kilduff and he says he loves me with all his heart, but he can't hack this with this "Mental case", so Kilduff then says its at this time he needs all the support afterall his FAM in Romania dumped him. The partner says he didn't even know he was from Romania let alone his background.

So eventually I got up. I was to collect my 2nd payment of €101 from Basic Supplement Welfare Allowance. hehehe.

So then I came back did a bit of recording. Then afterwards I popped down to my sis to see her. Had a wee chat, as I was in a rush for to see Star Wars. haahah.

However when I arrived, I again got my times mixed up. hahaahah. So I waited til 9.20pm instead. haahah. So shortly after I left Cineworld, for to head home, that my bike got punctured. I was not in the mood to walk home with the bike. So I cycled albeit, not the best in the world, hahaha, but hey. But after Quinns, I walked home from there. There was a terrible noise of a gunshot consistently coming from my bike. hahaha.

Diary 8th January 2016

Thinking of moving to Galway however CineWorld prevent me as I'm subscribed to them they've no other branch I realize I'll never b able to leave Dublin so I just self-harm via biting viciously my arm. 

So then I had slept again. As I failed to sleep right up to what I had hoped, I got up an hour beforehand. hehehee. 

Again I was to be up for 10 for Dad's decorations, however, one extra ingredients. and that was to Take 2 to go and get the Bank Statements. However this time, I had my card and PIN. That said I could have done this without a card, eitherway I did print all my printing in the Bank of the statements. 

Then I headed on off back to Mom's car and we both headed on off to Folk's place to coneitnet on with the decorations. This time we were in the back garden. Again continuing on, with breaks etc., etc., Then Mom dropped me to the Credit Union to withdraw for the Printer I hope to get on Monday. 

So then afterwards, I then headed back to bed as I again failed to sleep. 

Diary 6th January 2016 - Feast of the Epiphany(Three Wise Men visited Jesus in the Manger); Women's Christmas

Little humour to start off the blog, hahaha, as I was writing the above Blog title, literally, I got a fit of the giggles. I recalled a quote from Mrs. Brown's Boys Christmas Special '14. Mrs. Brown herself says:

"Wise!!!They got fucken lost", what a class quote from her shows.

The Feast of the Epiphany aswell as being a religious aspect is actually also a day for the women, ie Women's Christmas or in Irish Nollaig na mBán. You may also hear down through your travels Nollaig Beag which means Little Christmas. Women's Christmas was actually started in Co. Cork and continens to be an Irish Tradition.

And now back onto me, hheheeheh,

I struggled along to get out of bed for Social welfare, sure who would. hahaha. But that said thou I was saying to meself, could I try tomorrow Thurs, but NO cause Dad wants my sis n I for the decorations to yank your chain down, hahha, Friday assuming he wants me at least back on Friday for the outside lights, ehhehehe so that would be a no no. I said I have to get up for the sake of the payments and more so my bank. Like at the time of writing I was €189 in DR aka DR. So I proceeded to go on in and then head to see Social Welfare. I'd prefer if I didn't but hey, nothing can be done. Besides my legs were killing me going in let alone going out. The guy then told me everything's in order. TO come back for the final time. He proceeded to give me an envelope and went to post it. I said that I wasn't ready for it. I've to get details as in Checklists ie I was to get my statements from the Bank and the Credit Union. So he told me come back with everything next week. I then asked, do I have to come in everyweek, like and he said it'll be put into the Post Office. So he told me come back with everything and that he'll post my DA for me. When he asked that I sign the checks ie the payments, he noted I was a leftie. heheheh. He also noted to me that If I had come back  a  day late that I would missed a payment. He was the exact same guy who clearly is gay who upset me the day I broke in front of the family. Hence why I have a +Furry Babys Stanescu called Kathleen as my mom cried into my arms comforting me. 

I then proceeded to head to the bank AIB to lodge my checks in. Still worrying thou no cash will go in, but nothing can be done thou. However at the same time I went in to get my statements for the Disability Allowance. Apparently it'll cost me €3 per page for them to send it out to me. Which is quiet bizarre. So I went to the machine however I tried it but it just gave me ONE page, so I'll try with my NEW card and pin. 

Then I went to the Credit Union for again to get Statements from the savings account I have. Only realised that the loan had been payed off in November a week before social welfare were going on about on my case. Hmmm.

So then I came back and decided to head back to sleep. Then while sleeping a memory came back of whereby I was l listing of all the home alone movies I have. Home alone 3 I was studying it r whatever I had watched it when I came back from a boat trip on the StenaHSS. We went over to Holyhead, Wales,UK. In a cold wet Nov. We looked around. I bought r whoever a PC Game on a Floppy disk 💾 god b the days. It was a Christmas 🎅 quiz game 🎮   there was a question about Wet wet wet a music band.

I then woke up for a few hours to do the last two Home Alone films. heheehh

Then just as I wake up I gave myself a horrible trigger point whereby when I recalled Social Welfare upsetting me on Wed 23rd and Mom comforting me. Then in the thought, I rush out wanting to cry further, however Dad being obsessed with his Christmas Lights Bulbs, warns me not to step on the ligts as at the time in reality my sis and my Dad were doing up the lights when Mom n I came back. I accidentally or whatever step on one of them. Then Dad gets angry and I squabble up or crumble to a pancake kinda shape ie embryo more so. I scream "get away from me". He then opens up and says come I want to hug you. So I in my infinite wisdom, actually go up and get hugged, however he continues to squeeze me rendering me breathless and then breaks my spinal chord in half. And then throws away my body like a rag doll down the bottom of the garden. My sis and Mom witness this and exclaim to the Emergency Services that "I have witnessed an actual murder". Remember "A life is NOT replaceable whereas , Christmas Light Bulb IS replaceable". So then I was putting on my Onesie, and I grabbed my sleeve and had at it and of course my arm while I was in teh toilet too. I was describing I use sleeves more so than arms. The arm is for private self harm or where no one is looking and the sleeve is ONLY for those who don't judge me ie my sis. 

Diary 1st January 2016 - New Years Day

PS THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC CONTENT

Well today was not bad a day. After last night's celebrations, of which my main aim was to try and forget what my pops said to my sis n I back on Stephen's Day. So afterwards,  I got up after MORE lack of sleep for a dinner with Mom, Dad, Maureen and my sis. The Mulligans were up their when we arrived. heheeh. They were heading on up to Eileens for a meal or something. hehehhe.

So then after the meal, we all dispersed. I headed for my 24hr sleep. Which is quite true when you think about it. hahaha.

One of the dreams that I had was that I'm with a friend in a classroom or some building. The friend is shot several times in front of my eyes. I then am questioned by the cops as to what exactly happened. One of the questionings, I'm at a tourism item my Mom on some boat or about to hope on one that shows us Flowers on the tour. While writing one of the explanations on paper, for the cops, I break down, with my paper in front of my face hiding my emotions. So it is with great regret that Mom n I have to let the tourism boat to someone else.

Then thoughts arrived of which one was to go and ask my sis for advise on Sleepers as she calls em, then another horrific one is as follows:

A severe thought enters my brain when I recall my drink being spiked or at least being worried about it. Then afterwards  I then wakeup with a gun to my head when I wanna escape. 2 girls r raping me. One sticks a thread down the slit of my penis while the other is sucking it. Then I attempt to escape but the gun is still on my forehead. So somehow I escape naked. Wanting someone to run me over doesn't work so I attempt to jump off Luke Kelly bridge. However realising no ones around I walk into the Mater naked  and scream that I was raped by two lesbians. So in the meantime I puncture something in my arm and have at it by means of scissoring the skin.

I have noticed thou that I have been failing to sleep immediately the way I used to. I had buckets of blankeies on me, not even that did the job. So I put Kathleen and my Sammy atop me. OH it made me feel loved again. heheeheh

Another thought that I had is that for 2016, I just need to know truthfully why I was given up. SO for the "truthful" as much as possible. The minute Maureen gives me the number. I will ring the person who was in charge of the foster process. I understood she was in contact with Marina. heehhe. So my next Puppys or whatever I'll be getting will be called Marina. ie my Birth Mom's name. 

Diary 1st January 2016 New Years Day

Diary 31st December 2015 - New Year's Eve

Today was alrite.

So that said, I didn't go near social welfare in Kings Inn St., I was due to go on Wed 30th aka yesterday. So then I was between two minds of whether or not I go out or not. As I was enjoying my night in bed. heeheh. However that said thou, that I was actually in bed last year, so this year I said I'd get out. heheeh

So my first port of call was to get cash, as I hadn't collected my Supplemental Welfare Allowance. So I then headed to the Post Office with a view of withdrawing my funds then to the bank etc., However it wasn't to be, as the Post Office told me as its New Year's Eve, that I won't be able to get anything from my account. So I decided that I go and use the funds from the Rent Allowance and replace that with the other.

So then I went to Tescos and Scribbles to get Kathleen a pressie. I then was supposed to drop my form the Medical Cert to Social Welfare in Store St., As I had forgotten I just headed home. On the way home, I realsied I left my Hat behind, so that I said its cool I'll collect it tomorrow. Even thou its bitterly cold. So that said I then realsied that I left my bag behind. NOW that I needed it badly as my cash is in there. So I was on my way back up when I got the call. being Mom herself, then I got my bag back. Just as I was at my friend's Emil's street, I heard a fall of a bottle or something. I said I'd ignore it. A car beeped at me. Then When I looked behind it was Maudy's chocolates she gave me. So I had to trawl ALL the way back up. hahha.

So I came back to record films. Namely Bee The Movie AND Behind The Candelabra. hhehehe. Then I headed onto my night out. Firstly thou I headed to shower then I headed on. I headed to Panti as I said to my folks previously onto my local. hahahah. Half hour walk local. heheeh. Then I got my drinks, danced the night away. Throughout the night I had several thoughts of self harm of which I manage to get in WITHOUT anyone looking. However the high light of  the night was when I got a selfie with PANTI. Oh boi. and not forgetting of course Vincent. He's a vegetarian, gay with his fella. I FINALLY got to meet him. I last "saw" him the last time back earlier. It was my birthday celebrations. I saw him in the Front lounge. One person I NEVER excepted to see thou was Tiffany who is Transgender who runs the Outhouse(My second home - ahahah). She and I are not best if palsies tbh. She was there with a friend or partner. I aint sure. Then on the way home, I wanted to just literally bang my head against a post ie "walking into one", however Dublin has gotten awfully like New York, in that the "City that never sleeps". The whole night I felt the Smirnoff Vodka in question was off. SO horrible. But the price of it, I drank it. I then ordered Mojito and Sex on the Beach. mmmm to both. The Double Vodka and Coke was lovely thou.

Diary 31st December 2015 New Year's Eve

Diary 24th December 2015 - Christmas Eve

Well today not bad a day.

First off the dreaded dreams, no better. hahahah. One of them being, a relative of mine Michael Doehrty, I spot him entering a premises and I say his name aloud as in MICHAEL. I throughout he was going into a gay place like the Outhouse or something, so then he goes into the premises and then closes over the door slowly.

Then another dream being I introduce my birth sister to my foster family in Ireland here. hmmm, says I to me sis, 2016 will be a very interesting year. hahaha.

Then I got up eventually got up for to see Barry, however that wasn't to be. So that said before I headed out, I did my ritually self harm, I then headed onto to the city to see if I could get Vegan dinners at least, but to no avail.

So then I headed on back to my sis. On the way to my place thou to get my sleeves, I was cycling along Wicklow St., to get back onto Nassau St via Grafton St., this cop looked at me sternly, until I got off the bike. I then got off my bike. Then I got a sudden rush of thoughts of the cop touching me or more so attempting to arrest me. I said to him go and find my rapists would ya. I then scream out this cop is ASSAULTING me  to the people etc., etc., So then after that thought passed, that I then saw the cop in question going up to the beggers. There were two of em, one of them was beside an ATM an the other elsewhere. At both Beggars, the cop goes up to both of em and empties out the paper cup with their coins, which I found remarkable.

Then onwards nearer my sis, I then was beeped at, by a bus driver aka Dublin Bus, he was wanting to get ahead, however there was a car in my way so I had to head on further outta. hahaha. I said to myself, there's nothing I can do.

So I eventually arrived at my sis' place. Whereby I did further self harm of my arm by means of biting etc., Although she was in the lavatory, I was doing this. As the last time, it scared her when I did the self harm in front of her.

Diary 24th December 2015 Christmas Eve

Diary 6th December 2015

Very mixed emotive feelings today. What I mean is that it all started off, just before I went to bed, I checked my Online Bank site, and I noticed that my Debt had been lowered from 100 to 30. So while I welcomed, this its not what I was promised or what I had expected more so. I had only gotten €70. Again I repeat, I am extremely worried about finance and cards etc., etc., and not forgetting pressies. and most imrportantly bills and Rent. That's yet to be paid. My rent will be paid on the double. :(.

So then I got the sleeve(nothing new - awwwwww) and whatever way I did in terms of having at at it, my neck hasn't been any better. So after my sleep, I woke up with a sharp pain in my neck. So then I woke up and got up for my First event of the Chrsitmas Season of concerts. Dublin Gay Men Chorus was to hold their Holly & THe Ivy concert in the Pepper Canister Church aka St. Stephen's Church. So while showering, I heard my doorbell ring. NEver did I thiought that it was my sis. heheeheh. So I let her in and contitneud showereing.

I then headed onto the concert. While it was most enjoyable, I was disheartedned that it had no decoraitiosn let alone a tree nor a crib. There was a wonderful resoudning rendition of O Holy Ngiht. it was so emotive. I even got teary. I even asked my sis why this is so. heheeheh. My LUmy let me down big time. I had about 2GB on Phone and SD Memory. Yet it contitned to say to me that I was outta space. So as such some videos got corrupted. Stany was none too pleased. hahah. During the concert, I got a thtrought taht I just take as much Ibuprofen to stop the pain of my neck. It was that bad. I then in the thought, am asked by Beaumont or whatever by Phsyciatric Staff why did you do this. I tell em SOCIAL WELFARE. While at the concert, I was telling Patrick and Eddie whom I joined for the concert, that I along with Dad n my Sis used to go round to churche's in the area, and look at cribs. Awww memeories.

On the way back to my sis from the concert, who was in my place, I stopped off at Supervalue in Talbot St., I was getting Christmas Cards for my mates on FB, and I noted €2.99 for TWO boxes ie €6. Hwoever the sales guy charged me €3 for both of em. When I broguht this issue to light a guy behidn me said some thing "....mate" as in don't be questioning it or hurry up or wahtever. So fearing for my neck problem, I was on the constant look out BEHIND me up to the bike.

Then I came back to my palce, Went to Centra in Fairview then onto Four Star PIzza. I enquried abotu Vegan BAses, he didn't understand. But he did know Gluten Free thou. So I contitneud onto my sis' palce with herself of ocuse. Whiel at her palce, I was applying for a new AIB Card, as I had lost mine. Which I will need now as I don't have a PIN Number anymore AND that I need to withdraw for myself, in terms of personal income. heehhe. I then also realsied that having a NEW Card number which I hadn't reaslied this, that I will be able to use a NEW card for to use on PayPal. PayPal had blocked my old Card. My sis had told me that a friend of the family, had been in contact with my birth mother. and as such was advised that I stay away from my mother for father reasons. What I mean is that if I were to look for her, that she'd be beaten up or soemthing. Before going to bed last night, I had told my sis, that regarding the Aboration Referendum that may be coming along in the next Governetm, that if a woman, decides an aboration becuase of DS(Down Syndrome), I'm agaignst that. If a woman has an aboration becasue of FFA(Fatal Foetal Abnormality - No chance of life in or outside womb), that woudl be acceptable. BUT int he case of a woman being raped, teh mother wouldn't want no contact with rapist, or attempt to grow a rapists' child, BUT with the child.....Now where my mother comes in is that, I have come to terms(potatnetially) that my mother may have been raped and that the fahter don't know. That she had the kid. Something to that affect.

Diary 6th December 2015

Diary 7th November 2015

PS This post contains NSFW content by means of self harm and suicidality. ie TRIGGER

Well as you can gather no improvement on my thoughts. So my last thought before I actually got up was to butcher meself depending on Maureen's answer, if she remembers a black guy in eh orphanage and if she does, then I would butcher meself like a carcass, like the way they yank the skin thing off before the meat in question and it hanging off and then somehow getting up to the hospital. I attempt to put toilet paper, as I don't have any bandages. But low and behold I saw Sammy his ass facing me, and I said to myself I wanna see his face , hahah. So I played with BOTH Patch n Sammy. ehehhe and my Ducky and my Sleevenies, hehehehe. So that got my suicidality and self harm, more so self harm thoughts away.

So I got up and rang Maureen my Aunt to find out if she remembers the Black guy who was in my dreams a few months ago, as expected she couldn't remember. So then I got up showered and watched the news. My sis popped down for some downloading.

I then headed out with a view of seeing Edmund, head of Vegan Ireland and Evelyn and the french woman GLoria(Glo) and then onto Pan(Review here) and then to folks as Ailish and Noel are away to mind Noeleen and Andrew's kids as they themselves are celebrating their 17th ANniversary in Rome, funnily where they got married initially. ahahah.

So then I headed onto Edmund and saw them at the table to protest against Fur, as per every Saturday afternoon. Then afterwards, the 4 of us, Edmund, Glo, Evelyne and myself headed onto Cornucopia. heheh. I had a beautiful Vegan Chocolate FUdge Cake. It was so scrumptious and heaven. hahha. We were chatting away, I was chatting with GLo, and before you know it, time caught up with us and as such, I wasn't able to get a pressie AND the cinema in at all. The pressoe, was well too late. And then cinema indeed hahaah. We were chatting about her course which brought great memories back from my college days. However with programming!!!!. Like although I love it an all, I just can't hack it in a business environment.

So I headed on up to Mom n Dad's directly. heehehe. I was joined by my sis. We had a nice meal. ehheh. hhahaaLooked at TV etc.,

Diary 7th November 2015

Diary 6th November 2015

Diary 6th November 2015

PS This post contains NSFW content by means of self harm and suicidility. ie TRIGGER

While last night's sleep wasn't as bad as the previous night's, it most sure was no better. I endured, such traumatic events again and again and again. I endured more harrowing dreams and more so thoughts this time round. Like one of the thoughts, would be when  I'm with my folks, that I go up and tell em that I've been raped by the guy in Romania. It has been made clearer to me that its a very strong possibility that I have may have been molested. So in so telling em this, I react very bad like a maniac in terms of crying constantly and braking plates etc., Then another thought would be that I be on the edge of the River Liffey, And in so doing I ring Barry whom I hold dearly as a very well respected friend and of course my sis. They both meet each other to state that "I'm sorry to meet you under the current circumstances", while attempting to save me I hold onto a pole but the wind whisks me in, and somehow I end up in Vincent's Hosp. I again react badly when staff attempt to touch me. I ask them what you give me, they tell me Haloperidol. Then another is that I kill myself cause I ate meat, despite giving several hundreds to animal charities and sanctuaries etc., So inso doing I give my family a letter stating that "I couldn't look at other Vegans etc., and tell them I ate an animal by accident. I couldn't even live with myself". Something like that. Then another would be that I put up on FB that I just can't deal with all of this dreams etc., etc., and tagging Curt, My sis etc., etc.,

Diary 22nd October 2015

Well as I had gone to bed far too late messing with my newest baby Lumy, I decided against going out tonight. So I ensured ALL alarms were turned off. haahah. As I love my sleep. hahaah. Then I spent a few minutes trying to figure out how to turn off sounds completely etc., However as I later learned, I had restarted my phone, and FORGOT to log in with my SIM Card pin. hahaah. So when I entered my PIN, I had received two voicemails. hahaah. I had hoped when I woke up to see missed calls or whatever, but NOTHING. hahha. So that said, I had then headed off to bed.

And so the dreaming commenced.

One being a Charles marrys my boyfriend. I look for my boyfriend etc., then I get an invite to a wedding of which I realsie "nah it can't be who I think it is". And as expected I am devastated.

Now this being a thought more so a dream, of me wanting to get diagnosed so that I can continue on with my life. Now what I mean by this is that ever since I came out, my life had changed completely, ie NOT interested in jobs, or interest in erc., like for e.g as I said to my Job woman recently, I had aspirations of going up the corporate ladder, ie working for Twitter and then sailing into Twitter in New York etc., etc., etc.,

Well as I write this particular post, I live and breath, I see a familiar face Keith Mills. He campaigned and voted No int eh the recent Marriage Referendum last May. I saw him on VIncent Browne's People's Debate with Vincent Brown, I also saw that's he's a member of Fianna Fáil.

Diary 22nd October 2015

Diary 17th September 2015

Well today's Diary entry will be very brief and short. hahaha. Simply put I was to go to a film, of which I can't even remember. hahaah. I instead took to the bed and slept it out. ahaah. Most enjoyable. Nothing unusual with my weird dreams etc.,  And my usual thoughts of correcting Dad with his behavior etc., and another item was on my mind. When I got up for the suppose to be up for the film, I got a voicemail from my mate O' Farrell. He said that he is in hospital for Psychiatric care. Of which I shant divulge for what condition. But he has asked that I come and visit him someday.