Diary 7th January 2016

I'm in a restaurant of the worst service in my life. Initially, I see singing about gay people like a laugh or whatever. I ignore and sit down with my mates. We have a great meal except main meal in which one of my mates asks the waitresses where is it. In the meantime, the waiters start stripping tease which was hot. Mmmm n yet I felt nothing. Is it cause the appropriateness of the action. Cause I went to the gay party then but was told to go back or I was given dirty looks. However, there was one strip tease that got me going thou, hahaha in which he starts to use a scissor to rip his undies. mmmm

I slept until about 3am, in which I had the above dream. Then afterwards, I just laid awake with my legs paining me. so with that in mind, I eventually got up for to get ready for to take down Dad's decorations with him. So my sis n I were collected. Had a bit of grub. Then we got to work,  Afterwards, Both my sis n I headed on home. 

So then afterwards, I headed on to sleep as a failure of lack of sleep previously. 

Diary 3rd January 2016

Well today was quiet, heheeh and at the same time emotive hence my self harm.

So I eventually got up after a dream of whereby Mom asks me to take over the decorations from now on. And I wouldn't mind that I was looking at the lights that are up NOW, does this suggest, that this dream will come alive in REALITY, you never know. hahaha

So that said then I headed on off  to visit my sis. hehehe. ON the way I went to get my little salad yolk I love. mmmmm. I then continued onto my sis. Whereby she loved my pressie to her. heheeheh. When I arrived, Mom left me some dinner UNCOOKED, of which I took as a total insult. So I gave it to my sis. I couldn't think for a sec why she did this. I thought it was because one of the relatives had read my blog or something. But the a "penny drops" But then my sis put a "finger on", or whatever, when she pointed out that on New Years Day meal, I was very quiet or whatever but apparently slurred speech. This was due to the night before events. I got drunk to try and block out the memorys of Stephen's Day. So while pissing as I described before, I hold my Jnr in my left hand of which normally I use my other hand, and the right hand in my mouth biting it like the sleeve. I went even further.

Diary 3rd January 2016

Diary 1st January 2016 - New Years Day

PS THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC CONTENT

Well today was not bad a day. After last night's celebrations, of which my main aim was to try and forget what my pops said to my sis n I back on Stephen's Day. So afterwards,  I got up after MORE lack of sleep for a dinner with Mom, Dad, Maureen and my sis. The Mulligans were up their when we arrived. heheeh. They were heading on up to Eileens for a meal or something. hehehhe.

So then after the meal, we all dispersed. I headed for my 24hr sleep. Which is quite true when you think about it. hahaha.

One of the dreams that I had was that I'm with a friend in a classroom or some building. The friend is shot several times in front of my eyes. I then am questioned by the cops as to what exactly happened. One of the questionings, I'm at a tourism item my Mom on some boat or about to hope on one that shows us Flowers on the tour. While writing one of the explanations on paper, for the cops, I break down, with my paper in front of my face hiding my emotions. So it is with great regret that Mom n I have to let the tourism boat to someone else.

Then thoughts arrived of which one was to go and ask my sis for advise on Sleepers as she calls em, then another horrific one is as follows:

A severe thought enters my brain when I recall my drink being spiked or at least being worried about it. Then afterwards  I then wakeup with a gun to my head when I wanna escape. 2 girls r raping me. One sticks a thread down the slit of my penis while the other is sucking it. Then I attempt to escape but the gun is still on my forehead. So somehow I escape naked. Wanting someone to run me over doesn't work so I attempt to jump off Luke Kelly bridge. However realising no ones around I walk into the Mater naked  and scream that I was raped by two lesbians. So in the meantime I puncture something in my arm and have at it by means of scissoring the skin.

I have noticed thou that I have been failing to sleep immediately the way I used to. I had buckets of blankeies on me, not even that did the job. So I put Kathleen and my Sammy atop me. OH it made me feel loved again. heheeheh

Another thought that I had is that for 2016, I just need to know truthfully why I was given up. SO for the "truthful" as much as possible. The minute Maureen gives me the number. I will ring the person who was in charge of the foster process. I understood she was in contact with Marina. heehhe. So my next Puppys or whatever I'll be getting will be called Marina. ie my Birth Mom's name. 

Diary 1st January 2016 New Years Day

Diary 30th October 2015

Diary 30th October 2015

Well what a day/night it turned out to be. hehheeh.

I was due to do the following plan:

AnPost
Outhouse
Cineworld(whichever occurs first)
SweatBox event.

I was due to get up for to get money out for the event thats on tonight ie SweatBox whereby I would be able to go in my Singlet. heehhe.

However I was tired, it didn't help when I went to bed too late. hahah. So I put each place off ie Cineworld which I didn't even look up the film times ahahha.

So then I said I'd get up for 10pm to go and go to the SweatBox event which I was kinda looking forward to it. The reason I say kinda, was I wasn't sure if you had to do the wrestling bit. ahhaha. Which I highly doubt it. So then I just hit the hay and continued on sleeping. Of which I highly regret in doing so by means of a dream more so nightmare.

Now what happened was previously my sis had told me something of which I'm obviously NOT gonna get into at all whatsoever. But it played out in my dream. Like it was real. I'm with her. There's some form of an argument or whatever. She thumbs a taxi down. I then wander where is he taking her. No reply. I express emotionally where the hell you gonna take her. He becomes increasingly moved, as well as my sis. I threatened the authorities on him, as he fails to let me know where he's bringing her. So then I bang my head on a "crumply" wall which has bits and pieces sticking out of the wall. It takes me to bang my head which in reality I have been doing for several months now, to tell me where he's taking her. She obviously becomes emotional.

So then I woke up worryingly as to what happened to my sis. So I rang my sis, and literally broke down on the phone. As I was so worried that the dream was a reality. Like it the dream in question occurred, on Sion Hill Rd., which is the turn from Grace Park Rd., So then my sis invited me more so recommended that I go up to her. Of which I did. I had my cuppa tea with her.

Diary 18th October 2015

Today was quite an enjoyable day. Although I told my sis of a horrid dream of rape of a good friend of mine. As far as I recall, he was being recorded of being raped. And I went back to the perpetrators' house and broke the tape by pressing a stop button and some other button. And my mates parents trying to tell me he was being raped etc., etc., Then the mate's relatives got involved. Something to that effect. She saw it in my worry face. And I wouldn't mind I had actually told myself NEVER go back to bed sleeping, how true is that. Like the reason I says this is that I was left awoken as my Lappy was left on the whole night as I was trying to download a very cute singer from Turkey whom I came across on a mates' profile on Facebook. And also I was trying to do ....... So I had to leave the lappy on. While doing so I was struggling to sleep,, however I woke up for a leak and then went back hence the above dream. So then onto some pleasantness I treated my sis to some Vegan Home cooked Pasta and Tomato sauce. So she was doing downloading and I was entertaining her with some of comedy I had. heheeh namely One Foot in the Grave, Saved By The Bell and Taxi. My mom in the meantime came down with some food, and then after a few hours, I then headed with her to her place and then came back.

While looking at SundayAM on TV3, I only realised that Killian O'Sullivan who does TV reviews for the week, that it's the same Killian from Fair CIty who played Lorcan(Carol's son). He sadly was killed off from the show. He's been on the TV3 show for several months, yet I only noticed today. hahaah. Nice one Stany!!!

Diary 8th October 2015

Diary 8th October 2015

How interesting dreams, I've been getting alrite. Like one interesting one I had if I can recall the exact details. I see someone on a murdering spree or someone close of mine has been murdered. Then I realsie then that someone I knew did the exact same thing. Basically what I think is going on my future telling. I fore see something, and remarkably its right in my face.

I was looking at TV the whole day. heeeheh while watching my Browser ie CHrome crash continuously about 3 or 4 times.

I had a quick thought of whereby my Aunt(Nun) comes down to my place and falls into the flood, of which I quickly save her. And then a headline appears outta my mind: "Gay man saves Nun/Sister" which is then overshadowed the fact that I know her personally ie she being my Aunt.

Diary 29th September 2015

Twas an interesting day, so far. hahaha.

I was due to go to the Intreo Career's fair iN Dublin Castle. However after a lovely night of sleep, I was unable to get out of bed, perhaps Blankies love me too much, hahahaah.

So I headed back to sleep, however of which I regret doing so. By that I mean, that I had a dream, in which it brought in my Orphanage days and my love for my ex boyfriend into ONE dream.

DREAM

I'm in a kitchen, whereby a group of us, ie group lads are in the kitchen cooking stuff up, THere is an middle age woman there, which is the splitting voice of the Romanian nurse. she apparently homophobic has done something behind my back and talked. Cause I am there crying and more so pouring my heart out to her in saying that I love this lad. etc., This on going for a few minutes.

END OF DREAM

Then afterwards, I met up with my sis for a few minutes. She and I were consoling a friend who was going to a psychiatric appt, I went in with him. And the things that the Psych doctor. Some was interesting, some not. The Dr., had said to go for group therapy. I know my friend don't like that, etc., However one thing stood out in what the Dr. had said. In that she said "crazy" to my friend. I was deeply offended with this. I was making a point in that my friend is actually "normal". and she says to me "What is normal", I couldn't answer. I was simply trying to tell her that EVERYONE's normal in their own unique way.

Then when I came back after my sis, My TV stand broke, so with the loss of TV possibly, I decided to head to my folks. First being my Dole, then the AIB, and of course my weekly Small Changes visit. heehhe(PEADAR). Then afterwards, while trawling my TV up with me, I headed to my folks. However Dad wasn't there as I was told that he was down in Meath. So I tried looking for screws for the TV, to no avail. So then Mom and I headed on home and suggested to me to go and get a takeout with DiLucia's.

NEWS

The Government has announced Capital Plan that is to last 6 years from 2016 - 2021. A total of €42bn will spent on various sectors of the economy. €27BN is to be funded by the State and the remainder by the Commercial Semi- State Bodies Public bodies and Public Private Partnerships. 

• €10BN Transport
• €2.4BN Metro Rail Link from Dublin City to Airport then onto Swords
• It will run from Dublin City Center - Airport - Swords
• Expected to be completed 2026
• 19mins from O' Connell St - Airport
• Trains will run every 2.5 mins
• 8 Stops will be Overground ie Street Level and 6 Stops Underground
• €6BN will be invested on Roads
• €4,4BN will be upgrading existing Routes
• €1.6BN for NEW projects
• €3.8BN Education
• €3BN Health
• National Children's Hospital at St. James St Hospital
• Upgrade State run Nursing Homes ie Fair Deal Scheme
• €3BN Housing
• Garda Stations
• Fleet
• ICT Systems
• €3BN to support Jobs
• Social Housing Plan
• National Broadband Plan
• Flood Mitigation Measures
• Energy Efficiency Programs

Diary 29th September 2015

DIary 9th July 2015

Well what a night I endured. So it has now come the time for me to warn yee all of the GROTESQUE dream of Animals.

BEGINNING

I am in a farm environment. I am trying to get this cow off my bike. Which its attached onto a wood something like that. His legs were touching me or there was something that was on me I felt uncomfortable. Now as I understand I think the cow was dead or something I can't remember that bit. However in order for the "thing" to get off touching me, I got a few fireworks stuff and stuffed the fireworks in the cows ass. When it went off, the imaginable occurred. I bet you I'll be scarred. It splattered everything, brains, etc.,etc., body parts. yaddy yaddy yadda. Something warm was touching my butt. I didn't want to look what it was. So I moved forwards to try and get away from it.

END

So with the above dream, ever since I became involved heavily in Veganism, ie looking up videos etc., etc., of the stuff which I'm not gonna get into incase it damages yourselves and more so triggers me, I've been getting these kinds of dreams.

So with that dream over, I got up late, not bothered getting my dole. I woke up to several missed phonecalls, well 3 from my Mom. So she popped down to me. I got up at 9pm, I was disappointed to learn that the iMAX of Jurassic Park has been taken down. There was a time that Cineworld's iMAX used to leave some films for a very long time. They don't do it anymore.

NEWS

Survivors of Symphsiosotomy(whereby a woman's pelvis was PURPOSELY broken for to deliver a baby, as such they have a life time debilitating conditions, are being asked "for the impossible" e.g receipts for incontinence pads, etc.,etc., e.g receipts for prescriptions over 60 years ago

Dublin City Council has announced that they will be €18m in deficit if they are not financed for the homeless. They are trying house the homeless

Aoife Beary has been taken off the Critical List She was one of the 7 who was severely injured in the #Berkeley tragedy. She has started to wake up from an Induced coma.

Diary 27th September 2014

Well today is my hibernation day. hahaha. Whoever I got up for a few hours to look at yesterday's news(Friday's) and today's news(Saturday).

I had a weird dream, more so a nonsensical one. Mom runs over a small lamppost on the road. Normally a Lamppost is several meters high, yet the one in my dream was a child like size etc., So Mom stops the car. A white coach bypasses us upon seeing us stopped in the middle of the road. Then another black car coming in the opposite direction, looks weirdly at the coach, as much to say, "aint you very impatient. Something to that affect. So Mom pulls aside and magically the car is off the road as in a few meters off the road literally, and the wheels spin round and round like as if I were on a high or something.

I did however here persistent banging and window banging. Then immediately thoughts came to mind, whit this I mean , that Frank my landlord could throw me out, and that the Folks could use this to get me out. What I'm trying to say, is that they could purposely be doing this, then Franky, gets a few calls in the form of complaints, then he comes to me, and says there have been complaints and then evicts me.

When that settled down, I continuously to this day even to repeat to myself, "I could have sworn that it'd never happen". What I'm referring to is, last Wednesday, when I went to see The Wizard of Oz(Review here), I was to meet my friend for the film at 6, however I was late in getting up. So I went ahead got my food. I said to myself, perhaps he won't be bothered in asking me for cash. Shortly after the film began, he asked if he could borrow. Says I to meself, I could have sworn, he wouldn't. And here's me thinking I got away with him asking by me being late. Not that I planned it this way. hahhaha. Well I've restricted in seeing him once a week. Thank god he paid for the iMAX itself, as its very horridly expensive even with the Unlimited Scheme. So I'm on the course of looking for NEW friends who don't tell lies to me,(The only people I tell lies to are my parents, I know that, My sister knows it, and possibly the parents themselves), But one person or groups of people i NEVER tell lies to are my FRIENDS and of course my sis. Like, why would I tell her lies. She has done so much for me, in the past. I am the most loyast person you can think of. Oh and also I will be making sure that I NEVER ask a person for money EVER. I just do with out food etc. Likewise I will be making sure that no friend ASKS me. Its no wonder I have thoughts of slicing n dicing(to the point that its invisible ONLY to my mental knowledge).

So eventually as I said above, I got up to look at yesterday's and today's news. I also checked to see if I have 7th Heaven's episodes recorded. So yanked up my lappy and checked to ensure they's in perfect quality. All's was well.

Diary 23rd September 2014

PS This is an NSFW Post, ie NOT Sexual but of Self Harm content.

The day started off with a horrible dream. Which is as follows: Kathleen Doherty(Mulligan), whom I saw after several years last month, was hitting my head as in a HARD patting on the head. She later apologised but NOT profusely. Martin was hitting JP(Their son). I went onto Twitter(which is quite unusual as first, it ain't my usual ranting place and 2, the characters limit), to rant out. I was heart breaking, and crying as the same time. Even crying as I was writing tweet.

When I woke up eventually around 4ish for the dole, My sheets were wet, literally. Now how this particular dream came about more than likely was that my Dad's relatives were visiting them. I was invited up as was my sis. Now Jim(Dad's relative) knows I'm gay, I ain't sure about Jane(his wife), but this triggered the above dream. But as I explained to my sis later on today, I can't understand why I would wanna care whether Jane knows my sexuality or not. I wasn't sure of her attitude towards gay ppl or whatever. By right I shouldn't care.

So then I eventually got up from such a horrid nightmare, and set about getting my dole. I then headed into the bank to lodge the cash in. Then I went to tescos, to get milk for my sis' place. I provide my own milk. She drinks dairy. Whereas I don't. I got a few grub. I FINALLY got the blades, the yoke that are disposable. I kept forgetting to buy em.

I then showered, after a long spell of not having such. I did my bits and bobs - hahaha. I was using my new blades that are disposable. I nicked meself on my hand twice. Now while it WASN'T intentional, I have to admit, that I felt so good afterwards. While it was extremely painful, I was showering the blood off, and any blood that was left(which wasn't much), I just licked it off like Dracula(booohhahaahahah). Again it was extremely painful considering a layer of skin came off in two places on one hand.

On the way to Tescos, I then had seen Hate Crime from The Guest(Review here) and realsied what is the actual difference between Hate Crime AND Discrimination. From what I gather and understand, Hate Crime is relating to psychical and verbal, whereas Discrimination is in relation to the law and more so used in a company. Correct me if I'm wrong.

So then after the showering, I headed on off to my sis. I told her of the above ie the dream etc., When I was calling it out, I had on my phone, it read as follows: "I showered the boys off". Well the laugh I got off it. hahaah. It was something else alrite. I tell ya that bit. As she says, It certainly made me laugh. Something  I needed. heeheh. Then I suddenly realsied that by me skipping the visit of Jim and Jane, that sparked my depression a few years ago. I had moved in a few months ago in 2011. Then a few months(Oct 2011), I got into a deep state of depression over the homophobic abuse. And now it happened again today. What does that say. Could it be another depression coming along. Considering I did have thoughts of self harm alrite. I just had a few things on my mind. Partially financially. Because I didn't get up in time last Friday for Credit Union Gear Ireland sales event on Saturday then there was Lidls stuff I was to get on Monday(yesterday).



While cooking Pasta, I was wondering why it was taking an age to heat up let alone boil it. I just checked and actually had it at half the temperature for boiling. hahah.