Diary 11th January 2016

Well today was quite an emotional day. So I coped with it my self-harm which as I said to my sis, that I use my sleeve BEHIND the scenes and the skin ie biting the arm when I got a chance. It all started off when my Pops collected me to objectively to go and get my printer. I was using it to go and reconnect with my pops and obviously of course to print in my place instead of my folks.

So like I said my Dad collected me, we headed on up to Airside to go and get the printer. We headed to PC World. I saw the printer I was interested in. ehehhee. Then afterwards, I wanted to get a network cable aka RJ45 for my connection between the Sky Box and the Router so that I could get my Sky Box Sets and the HD channels whcih I will add onto my subscription very soon. heheeheh. I had hoped for tomorrow, however my Payment for the week that I missed my payment of the MEdical Cert aka the Injury Benefit. hehehehe. SO we'll see. But that said thou, that I do intend, on applying for that extra subscription, hehehe.

So conetinetueing on I saw a Hard Drive for 5TB for about €200. At first I didn't get it, I wanted to see price wise in Harvey Norman's. So my Dad and I headed there, and compared prices. hehehe I was most suprised thou with their prices. heheeheh. However thou it was 2TB of CLOUD storage, which I've no interest in at this moment in time. Then I headed back to PC World to get the HDD. In Harvey's thou, my Dad and I looked at washing machine. heeheh. I was amazed at Harvey Norman's staff responded when I told the staff member that the HDD was more expensive than PC WOrld's.

So then we got a bite to eat in TravelLodge what used to be the Little Chef. I had meself a Vegetarian LAsagnae. heheeh. However the fact that it was so creamy and not forgetting the cream or maynossaie on the salad. SO yeah I had the shits for the rest of the day.

So then I headed back home with Dad to his place. Put up my decorations in the attic for Christmas. hehehe. In his place of course. Then afterwards I was joined by my sis to head to my Aunt Colette. She is currently in an Orthopaedic Hospital. As I said previously she had suffered a mini-stroke back in November of 2015. So seeing her really through me off. HOWever thou' I greeted her by "Queen Brady", hahaahah. But seeing her so frail or with grey hair etc., etc., I just was not prepared. Like aging etc., then to hear of my Dad's friend with Aneurysm, so yeah as u can gather why it was an emotional day.

So I continued self-harming on my arm in Mom's car etc., etc., even when pissing etc., So then we went back to Mom's place to go and get a cuppa. hehehehehe. I then headed back to my place with my new printer, my new hDD etc., etc., heheheheheheh.

I also got a chance to question about my Driver's license. As Mom wants' me to drive again, I need my license. However I have lost it. So with that in mind, I was going to find out the procedure on Los/Stolen License. So what I've to do is Medical Report/Eye Sight Report and obviously firstly get my glasses fixed. hehehehe. So then I fill out an Application form with €35. hehehehe

Diary 6th January 2016 - Feast of the Epiphany(Three Wise Men visited Jesus in the Manger); Women's Christmas

Little humour to start off the blog, hahaha, as I was writing the above Blog title, literally, I got a fit of the giggles. I recalled a quote from Mrs. Brown's Boys Christmas Special '14. Mrs. Brown herself says:

"Wise!!!They got fucken lost", what a class quote from her shows.

The Feast of the Epiphany aswell as being a religious aspect is actually also a day for the women, ie Women's Christmas or in Irish Nollaig na mBán. You may also hear down through your travels Nollaig Beag which means Little Christmas. Women's Christmas was actually started in Co. Cork and continens to be an Irish Tradition.

And now back onto me, hheheeheh,

I struggled along to get out of bed for Social welfare, sure who would. hahaha. But that said thou I was saying to meself, could I try tomorrow Thurs, but NO cause Dad wants my sis n I for the decorations to yank your chain down, hahha, Friday assuming he wants me at least back on Friday for the outside lights, ehhehehe so that would be a no no. I said I have to get up for the sake of the payments and more so my bank. Like at the time of writing I was €189 in DR aka DR. So I proceeded to go on in and then head to see Social Welfare. I'd prefer if I didn't but hey, nothing can be done. Besides my legs were killing me going in let alone going out. The guy then told me everything's in order. TO come back for the final time. He proceeded to give me an envelope and went to post it. I said that I wasn't ready for it. I've to get details as in Checklists ie I was to get my statements from the Bank and the Credit Union. So he told me come back with everything next week. I then asked, do I have to come in everyweek, like and he said it'll be put into the Post Office. So he told me come back with everything and that he'll post my DA for me. When he asked that I sign the checks ie the payments, he noted I was a leftie. heheheh. He also noted to me that If I had come back  a  day late that I would missed a payment. He was the exact same guy who clearly is gay who upset me the day I broke in front of the family. Hence why I have a +Furry Babys Stanescu called Kathleen as my mom cried into my arms comforting me. 

I then proceeded to head to the bank AIB to lodge my checks in. Still worrying thou no cash will go in, but nothing can be done thou. However at the same time I went in to get my statements for the Disability Allowance. Apparently it'll cost me €3 per page for them to send it out to me. Which is quiet bizarre. So I went to the machine however I tried it but it just gave me ONE page, so I'll try with my NEW card and pin. 

Then I went to the Credit Union for again to get Statements from the savings account I have. Only realised that the loan had been payed off in November a week before social welfare were going on about on my case. Hmmm.

So then I came back and decided to head back to sleep. Then while sleeping a memory came back of whereby I was l listing of all the home alone movies I have. Home alone 3 I was studying it r whatever I had watched it when I came back from a boat trip on the StenaHSS. We went over to Holyhead, Wales,UK. In a cold wet Nov. We looked around. I bought r whoever a PC Game on a Floppy disk 💾 god b the days. It was a Christmas 🎅 quiz game 🎮   there was a question about Wet wet wet a music band.

I then woke up for a few hours to do the last two Home Alone films. heheehh

Then just as I wake up I gave myself a horrible trigger point whereby when I recalled Social Welfare upsetting me on Wed 23rd and Mom comforting me. Then in the thought, I rush out wanting to cry further, however Dad being obsessed with his Christmas Lights Bulbs, warns me not to step on the ligts as at the time in reality my sis and my Dad were doing up the lights when Mom n I came back. I accidentally or whatever step on one of them. Then Dad gets angry and I squabble up or crumble to a pancake kinda shape ie embryo more so. I scream "get away from me". He then opens up and says come I want to hug you. So I in my infinite wisdom, actually go up and get hugged, however he continues to squeeze me rendering me breathless and then breaks my spinal chord in half. And then throws away my body like a rag doll down the bottom of the garden. My sis and Mom witness this and exclaim to the Emergency Services that "I have witnessed an actual murder". Remember "A life is NOT replaceable whereas , Christmas Light Bulb IS replaceable". So then I was putting on my Onesie, and I grabbed my sleeve and had at it and of course my arm while I was in teh toilet too. I was describing I use sleeves more so than arms. The arm is for private self harm or where no one is looking and the sleeve is ONLY for those who don't judge me ie my sis. 

Diary 5th January 2016

Today was fairly cool, cept the self harm, but hey, nothing's new there. hahah.

So then my sis arrived down for her traditional downloading, and more important to see Santi, Snowy and their pappy Father Christmas +Inflatables Stanescu.

Then I was to do my traditional Social Welfare financing etc., So my first port of call was to collect my Medical Cert, then onto An Post to collect my Rent Allowance which would help bring down my DR ie debt with the bank. Then I continued onto Store St., to drop in my Medical Cert. Then I decided to pop into Peadar who works in SmallChanges to hand in his card. heheeh. I never knew he had Irish. Was wonderful.  heheheeh.

So after my errands, I then headed back drenched head to toe to my sis in my place. We then headed off to her place. On the way, I got a few crisps AND my lovely Pinenuts Salad. mmmm.

Diary 3rd January 2016

Well today was quiet, heheeh and at the same time emotive hence my self harm.

So I eventually got up after a dream of whereby Mom asks me to take over the decorations from now on. And I wouldn't mind that I was looking at the lights that are up NOW, does this suggest, that this dream will come alive in REALITY, you never know. hahaha

So that said then I headed on off  to visit my sis. hehehe. ON the way I went to get my little salad yolk I love. mmmmm. I then continued onto my sis. Whereby she loved my pressie to her. heheeheh. When I arrived, Mom left me some dinner UNCOOKED, of which I took as a total insult. So I gave it to my sis. I couldn't think for a sec why she did this. I thought it was because one of the relatives had read my blog or something. But the a "penny drops" But then my sis put a "finger on", or whatever, when she pointed out that on New Years Day meal, I was very quiet or whatever but apparently slurred speech. This was due to the night before events. I got drunk to try and block out the memorys of Stephen's Day. So while pissing as I described before, I hold my Jnr in my left hand of which normally I use my other hand, and the right hand in my mouth biting it like the sleeve. I went even further.

Diary 3rd January 2016

Diary 31st December 2015 - New Year's Eve

Today was alrite.

So that said, I didn't go near social welfare in Kings Inn St., I was due to go on Wed 30th aka yesterday. So then I was between two minds of whether or not I go out or not. As I was enjoying my night in bed. heeheh. However that said thou, that I was actually in bed last year, so this year I said I'd get out. heheeh

So my first port of call was to get cash, as I hadn't collected my Supplemental Welfare Allowance. So I then headed to the Post Office with a view of withdrawing my funds then to the bank etc., However it wasn't to be, as the Post Office told me as its New Year's Eve, that I won't be able to get anything from my account. So I decided that I go and use the funds from the Rent Allowance and replace that with the other.

So then I went to Tescos and Scribbles to get Kathleen a pressie. I then was supposed to drop my form the Medical Cert to Social Welfare in Store St., As I had forgotten I just headed home. On the way home, I realsied I left my Hat behind, so that I said its cool I'll collect it tomorrow. Even thou its bitterly cold. So that said I then realsied that I left my bag behind. NOW that I needed it badly as my cash is in there. So I was on my way back up when I got the call. being Mom herself, then I got my bag back. Just as I was at my friend's Emil's street, I heard a fall of a bottle or something. I said I'd ignore it. A car beeped at me. Then When I looked behind it was Maudy's chocolates she gave me. So I had to trawl ALL the way back up. hahha.

So I came back to record films. Namely Bee The Movie AND Behind The Candelabra. hhehehe. Then I headed onto my night out. Firstly thou I headed to shower then I headed on. I headed to Panti as I said to my folks previously onto my local. hahahah. Half hour walk local. heheeh. Then I got my drinks, danced the night away. Throughout the night I had several thoughts of self harm of which I manage to get in WITHOUT anyone looking. However the high light of  the night was when I got a selfie with PANTI. Oh boi. and not forgetting of course Vincent. He's a vegetarian, gay with his fella. I FINALLY got to meet him. I last "saw" him the last time back earlier. It was my birthday celebrations. I saw him in the Front lounge. One person I NEVER excepted to see thou was Tiffany who is Transgender who runs the Outhouse(My second home - ahahah). She and I are not best if palsies tbh. She was there with a friend or partner. I aint sure. Then on the way home, I wanted to just literally bang my head against a post ie "walking into one", however Dublin has gotten awfully like New York, in that the "City that never sleeps". The whole night I felt the Smirnoff Vodka in question was off. SO horrible. But the price of it, I drank it. I then ordered Mojito and Sex on the Beach. mmmm to both. The Double Vodka and Coke was lovely thou.

Diary 31st December 2015 New Year's Eve

Diary 29th December 2015

PS This Post contains Graphic content by means of self harm and sexual assault(Beginning with R).

Today I was due to go to AIB Bank to get statements for my Disability Application likewise with Drumcondra Credit Union. However to piss my folks off I didn't bother. hahaha. I was also due to collect my Rent Allowance AND drop in my Medical Cert as per norm in Store St., however it wasn't to be.

However thou, I was suppose to fill up my Disability Application in Mom n Dad's AND to collect my Medical Cert. This I did thou. The whole evening I was up there for a few hrs, I was getting mixed signals. I just didn't understand and still don't. So my sis thou was there, and she helped me out in filling the application. I was also suppose to print off my statements, however I didn't bother. "Generally" my Internet printouts are "not accepted". While Dad was dropping my sis home, my Mom said a few harrowing things which contributed to my later on self harm. She said that my depression is caused my lack of food, which I didn't care about that, but what I DID care was that she was offering me money, when I didn't receive any payment for the IB(Injury Benefit). So she told me "to shut up" talking about it. I took it to heart. Like how else would I suppose to get cash for my bills and my Rent. I did learn one thing today thou. And that being, there is a Bank Holiday the day after Christmas Day St. Stephen's Day ie Boxing Day to my UK followers,

So then I headed on home and got ready for my sis. I popped into Tescos to get milk for my sis. Throughout the night, I was getting increasingly worse and agitated with my sleeve and ripping etc., etc., Even my self harm was getting out of hand. By this I mean, I was getting more gripping of my teeth on my arm, ie I was gripping further and further on my arm, my right arm ps. So then I just eventually broke. On St. Stephen's Day, My Dad said something that went through me so harrowing that even the four letter word affects me mentally now, beginning with R aka Rape. My friend recently was raped a few months ago. He obviously hasn't been the best of it. Dad told me what are doing George "Are you trying find another Rapist", like then he proceeded to ACTUALLY call out the name of the perpetrator. The reason this particular incident with my Pops is that I actually was R*** when I was in the Orphanage by a black guy.

So moving on then, on my way home from my sis, I could hardly breath on the bike. I was getting anxious. WHile looking at one of my programmes, I saw the last few minutes of Fair City, and I recognsied one of the new characters. He's in Ros na Rún. My golly thats the 3rd person that RTE have taken or gotten or whatever. hahahaa. Like RTE have hired TWO from TV3 News or pouched is a term I've heard now.

Diary 26th December 2015 - St. Stephen's Day

Today was an alrite day. By that I mean, that my Dad's comments relating to my self harm was totally unacceptable. although it didn't help when I was late, but still his comments  are getting excessive. Dad had asked me what I get for Christmas. I said that my sis had gotten me Gillette shaving and my Dad asked is it the Razor or the Blades.

So then we headed to the house for a lovely meal, nicer than yesterday's might I add. hahahah. We then headed on back home.

So then I came back and resumed what I missed out on yesterday. I then took pics of my babes +Inflatables Stanescu heheheeh. So precious. So now when I get back from Todd's I'll be going to record my Santa's Christmas Inflatables. heheh.

So then I made my way to meeting Todd for to see Star Wars. Was great seeing him again. heheeh. However we were slightly delayed, due to me looking for my cash, then there was the lack of Luas trams. So we got a Taxi forwards and backwards. hehehe.

Diary 25th December 2015 Christmas Day

Diary 25th December 2015 - Christmas Day

Well after a horrible night of lack of sleep consistently. several thoughts of which some included my sis of which I won't go into details. On my part thou was that my thought was my mother telling  to fuck off out of her life kinda thing. This continued on for the night.

Then I was due to get up for mass for the very first time since I came out. However it wasn't to be. hahahaha.

So then it was time for my ritual self harm, nothing new. Then I headed on out to meet Dad n my sis for to head up for the annual Christmas Dinner. We then sat down for dinner. I wasn't too impressed with the dinner. The dessert mmmmmmmmmm was lovely. I brought the Christmas Cake AND the Red Velvet Cake. I got this exact cake in aid of Marriage Equality, last April when my sis and Mom were celebrating Maureen's birthday. So we then looked at Mrs Brown's Boys: The Christmas Special. Twas hilarious.

I then came back. It was my intention to stay up like I would on a Sunday Night, however it wasn't to be. hahahah. This was because I actually grew tired from all the going around my babies. +Puppys Stanescu and +Inflatables Stanescu I'll explain.

When I got back, it was my intention to do a Christmas Message from Puppys and Inflatables. To do this, I had to first find em, which was by means pretty quick, heeheh, but then on the video, I showed my viewers each Puppy etc., likewise the Inflatables. Some inflatables thou had to be blown up thou again. Hence my tiredness. So I just hit the hay. Then after the video, I took pics of my puppys as well, just before I went to bed. I was too tired to take pics of my beloved babes Inflatables.

Diary 24th December 2015 - Christmas Eve

Well today not bad a day.

First off the dreaded dreams, no better. hahahah. One of them being, a relative of mine Michael Doehrty, I spot him entering a premises and I say his name aloud as in MICHAEL. I throughout he was going into a gay place like the Outhouse or something, so then he goes into the premises and then closes over the door slowly.

Then another dream being I introduce my birth sister to my foster family in Ireland here. hmmm, says I to me sis, 2016 will be a very interesting year. hahaha.

Then I got up eventually got up for to see Barry, however that wasn't to be. So that said before I headed out, I did my ritually self harm, I then headed onto to the city to see if I could get Vegan dinners at least, but to no avail.

So then I headed on back to my sis. On the way to my place thou to get my sleeves, I was cycling along Wicklow St., to get back onto Nassau St via Grafton St., this cop looked at me sternly, until I got off the bike. I then got off my bike. Then I got a sudden rush of thoughts of the cop touching me or more so attempting to arrest me. I said to him go and find my rapists would ya. I then scream out this cop is ASSAULTING me  to the people etc., etc., So then after that thought passed, that I then saw the cop in question going up to the beggers. There were two of em, one of them was beside an ATM an the other elsewhere. At both Beggars, the cop goes up to both of em and empties out the paper cup with their coins, which I found remarkable.

Then onwards nearer my sis, I then was beeped at, by a bus driver aka Dublin Bus, he was wanting to get ahead, however there was a car in my way so I had to head on further outta. hahaha. I said to myself, there's nothing I can do.

So I eventually arrived at my sis' place. Whereby I did further self harm of my arm by means of biting etc., Although she was in the lavatory, I was doing this. As the last time, it scared her when I did the self harm in front of her.

Diary 24th December 2015 Christmas Eve

Diary 23rd December 2015

Diary 23rd December 2015

Well today started off with a disappointment. Again I couldn't get out of bed. Me thinks its because I'm surviving on Green Tea. and of course Chrisps, which is shortly on their way out too.

So that said I got up slightly later than anticipated. I then headed to meet Edmund for some bizarre reason I kept calling him Edward. I even put it on the card. Like wtf, like, or as the American's puts it "ikr(I know right)", hahaahah. So that said I then headed on off to meet him. It was slightly later than anticipated. I first went to AIB to withdraw cash. However the machine said "Unavailable", so I checked to ensure its not the wrong card. I went inside to try and figure out what up. Then afterwards, I was assured its the right card. So I went to the teller to withdraw. Then I went to meet Edmund eventually. hahaaha. When I arrived another guy Ruairí was there. I never met him. So Edmund then said that he had to go for an event of "Anti-Christmas", of which I took serious. Like I would imagine there are people against it. Like Atheists, for Meat reasons and animals etc., etc.,

So then I headed on back home. On the way, I wanted to get vegan dinner for myself for Christmas Day, however it wasn't to be. I wanted to get stamps of trying to post two cards I left behind, in Ireland. Then I realised that I had the stamps with me all the time. But not the cards. I then came back home.

I was watching a few TV shows, then I headed on back out to first the Outhouse. I had planned on going to the Down to the Earth to see if I could get more Vegan Dinner food. As time was NOT on my side, I then headed to the Outhouse to deliver MORE cards. ahahha. I left them with Jamie. I chatted for a bit. heheheh. I then headed onto meet Todd for to see Star Wars. heheheh. Twas a pleasure seeing him again after all this time. I was disheartened to learn thou that he has been suffering depression as a result of his mother a few years ago, when he was back in Irl and she was over there, ie the US, that he couldn't be with her. Something to that effect. So then I told him of my diagnosis. etc., I ain't sure if its official thou. He brought up a soar spot of which was by no means his intention. How was he know. So I did a bit of self harm in the cinema toilets, the biting of rubber type and I saw something unusual so then I continuing having at it. Then after the film, I headed with him to his place.

I was lookinh aty my emails, sure whats' new. hahahaah. I then came across a very interesitng article whereby it was desceribing an art Technostaglia whereby it'd releave our wonderous Dial-Up days, theren there was the ENcarta. God be the day, I'd go every week over the Dial-Up update Encarta on a Friday ngiht while looking at the Late Late or whatever with Mom n Dad. My Dad or Mom would wanna get the phone however it'd take it up the Internet. hahaha. Ahhh mememories.

http://mashable.com/2012/09/10/tech-nostalgia/#gallery/technostalgia/53deb7dc97b2f8440800a52d

Diary 22nd December 2015

Today I was due to get up for to go to the bank to get Statements sent out to me, and then onto the Credit Union for again the bank Statements. I need these two documents for the Disabsiltiy Allowance.

Then I got up, showered for a bit, I then realised that I would not be able to go up to Mom n Dad's as initially planned. So while showering, that said, I was there more so biting my arm and the scratching. I got rid of the puss or whatever ya having urself. hahaah

So I went to my Doctors Appt. I waited around as I was late for him. So then eventually he saw me, he asked me questions as per the form. Then he offered that I go get my wounds seen to.

Then I got ready to go and see my sis. We chatted and chatted. heheehhe. As the night wore on, so was my mental health. After last night's events whereby Dad had said to my Uncle that I was only going up their JUST for food, that went through me. He probably was making it a joke, however I have been in reality feeling the pinch aka the vibe. So this got the better of me, so as well as my sleeves, I just bit on me arm, like I did so this morning. Then throughout the night with my sis, my arm was paining. So I just continued and continued. Then while I was getting something for my sis, going up the steps, my back began to kill me with the pain. So I bit on the arm, comepltelty to "reroute" the pain of the back to my arm. And would u believe it actually did. I remember in the past, if ever something was paining or that I would receive pain like an injection or whatever, that I would bit the arm, so that like I said above it would deter the pain or reroute.

Diary 22nd December 2015

Diary 20th December 2015

Today was quite a day, hahahah. As part of my usual self harm routine, I this time, went atop the old wound in the middle of the M. Throughout the day, it started paining me like a bitch.

So then afterwards, my sis came down for her weekly downloading. heheheeh. We had a great laugh. While she was downloading, I was putting up the Christmas lights for the outside. hahahaha. Twas most enjoyable. I was ecstatic today unlike last night. I was feeling crap. Then when I saw Sister Sister, I began to feel happy etc., Then afterwards, I then realsied that with the help of my sis, that I'll be able to afford cash for tomorrow's meeting at the very least Seamus. I hope to meet Seamus tomoz. So with the help of my sis I only realsied that IB(Injury Benefit) - as I was only paid a one week payment, will be paid into my bank account, I'll withdraw that for myself, as SWA(Supplemental Welfare Allowance) will be lodged in during the week as part of the check, I received last week for the TWO week, including Christmas Week. And that payment will pay for my Rent for two weeks. So yeah, As Father Jack says: "I'm a happy camper", haahaha.

So then we both headed on. We got takeouts, then afterwards onto her place. I was looking at the Annual Bumper issue of the RTE Guide, in which it has TV listings etc., for the Christmas period. I was marking off stuff I wanted to record. Then afterwards, there was a quiz in the magazine, in which I was testing my sis. We had a ball. I went extactic when I got two questions right in the quiz.
Following are the two questions that I went exstatcit over:

• Which country won this year's 60th Eurovision Song Contest. My sis said Russia and I said Sweden
• This year's Rose of Tralee represented which Irish county. My sis said Wicklow and I said Meath. 

My sis googled the above two questions and everytime she showed a face. I just went excastatic my slapping the magazine on my head. As my baby Dane DeHanne who played Harry Osborne in Amazing Spiderman 2: "I don't know how, I don't why". I most certainly NOT gloating. Like saying Oh you're a looser or whatever. NOT my style. I just overreacted, I don't know why. But one things for sure, I just got excited. hahah. 

Then I headed back to my place. And would you believe it, I put the snowman in the Bathroom window. hahaha. Of course I left up the blind. Like who wants to see a guy taking a leak or taking a dump. hahaahah. I wanted to keep up  the idea of having ALL windows be advertised. I guess what am I trying to say, that I've never decorated my bathroom, which ain't the done thing, as far as my folks are concerned. So I just put up my Snowman in the Bathroom and checked if the public on the street can see off the streets, however it wasn't to be. That said thou, that the tenants beside me can see it when they pass my place all the time. hahaah.

Diary 20th December 2015

Diary 18th December 2015