Diary 13th October 2014

I was due to go to the last PDC Course last night ie Monday night, however as I wasn't in the mood, I didn't bother. I was going to go after the break, but was too late. So I just left it.

While getting ready for my hibernation after clearing the Sky Box with preparation for Budget 2015 RTE's coverage. While playing with my Puppies, I exclaim to myself"Human's lie to each other, causes conflicts" etc.,etc., So much evil in this world. As my puppies, can't talk, likewise my inflatables, blankies, and scarfies my Mental Health will be in safe hands. Otherwise my mental health will always be compromised due to my sensitiveness.

So then I got to sleep and had quite a dream. I'm meeting a group of people for a meal in a restaurant. As I live and breed, Dad, Eileen and Brendan are having a meal right beside my cubicle too. Then I move onto apply for some Government thing. Then I move back to a house, where i'm getting food. Fish and chips are taken out of freezer. As I'm a Vegetarian turning Vegan. I see Maura Coffey(My Dad's sister in law) there too.
My sis and I are in my Dad's car along with Mum and Dad(duhhh - he's the one driving - heeheh) are going to someplace. My sis gets agitated when we have to pass Dolores(Mom's school friend) and Ailish's(My sis' nemis, my Mom's Sister's Daughter) gaf.
Next am on a horse, riding to someplace, whereby am entering a DIY store. I make note of several beams vandalizes and other times broken with too high a lorry.

News

A document from the Vatican, has urged OTHER Christian's to accept Gay people. Quoting the letter: "Homosexuals have gifts and qualities to offer the Christian community". Gay Rights all over the world, in particular Ireland. GLEN(Gay and Lesbian Eqauilaity Network.

Diary 6th October 2014

I was due to get up for the weekly PDC Course, I have been attending since the beginning of September. However, I just didn't feel like it. So I stayed on in bed. There are 6 classes in total. I am fascinated by the number 5.  I haven't been the same for the last two or three classes since the American Cousins.

Yesterday, I learned from Two and A Half Men that Sacramento, California, USA is the State Capital of California. So that got me thinking, how is a state capital city indicated. A capital city of a country is dictated by the  location of the Government Buildings of that country. eg., Bundestag, Berlin Germany; Assemblée Nationale(French Assembly)/Élysée Palace, Paris, France; House of Commons/Westminster, London, UK; Dáil Eireann, Dublin, Republic of Ireland; Stormount, Northern Ireland; Capitol Hill, Washington DC, USA etc., etc.,

So after interesting much thinking, I got up for during the night and my LONG hibernation - haahha for a piddle. I also freed up space on my Sky Box for Morning Edition.

Diary 29th September 2014

I had forgotten to mention that when I came home yesterday, I went to charge up my cell phone and suddenly I couldn't find my charger. As my phone came from the States as in the packaging at the very least, I couldn't find the two prongs. To date, I still can't.

So then I got up eventually. I got ready for the PDC Course. I then headed onto the Outhouse or the course. WE discussed two main topics Relationships and Boundaries.  When they were discussing the Relationships, all I could think of were the relatives who never accepted me. When I arrived, there were only 6 ppl including myself. I arrived late. Nothing knew. hahhaah


The topic was What makes a GOOD relationship

Friendships
Family
Understanding
Trust
Love
Loyalty
Boundary
Respect
Yourself
Aged Realistic
One of the class colleagues' point was of interest, we all listened with interest, in that his point was Age. That guys dress and act NOT their age. ie a 40 yr old guy acting and dressing like a 20 yr etc., He then mentioned that its actually a medical condition known as Biomorphism.

The definition of a Relationship is as follows: "Emotional connection or an involvement"

Then they drew a diagram.

Embryo/womb - Micro
Then you meet the family - Mezzo
Education/Community etc., - Exo
Bad World/Work/Internet/ etc., - Macro

Fear of a Relationship
Fear of begin hurt

WE all take advice etc., You are you. True to yourself. You're the only person who knows you.

If someone asks how are you or whatever, or how are you feeling. IT all depends on context etc., So if eg. if you mad busy, you would have to turn him down until your free, or if you know the person in question, you would have a more calmer attitude towards him.

Bottomline Everyone's different, acknowledge it. Unconditional love essential in conflict.

What are the good things in a relationship.

Mutual Respect
Good balance
Compromise
Love
Communication
Clear/Good Communication
Honest
 Confusing thoughts

Then it came to break time, on my way in I was very not as such suicidal but more so wanting to do a slice n dice on myself. Considering will be covering ourselves now for the Winter. hahaha. So wise words during the break was said to me. In the form of that I'm only punishing myself. Wise words was actually coming from Bernard himself. Here I was trottling along the street, crying me heart out, well not distressing, but any idiot on the street, would know what's up. So after such wise words, I headed in with a positive tude as in I saw Declan and David and the Brazilian guy, whom I was a bit surprised. He wasn't one bit shy but was very quick to say to us, that he doesn't introduce himself with his name. Ah well, to each is their own.

Then it was time for the Boundary part of the lesson. Which was short, considering we had less time after the break. heeeh.

So then shortly before the class finished, we were treated to Rau Puaul's(A US famous Drag Queen) track. His infamous quote being: "If you don't love yourself, how the hell can you expect to be loved". Twas most inspirational.

Diary 22nd September 2014

Well today was kinda hampered. By that I had things on my mind. Mainly financially. I was wanting to get products in LIdls. But as a result of me not getting up in time for the Credit Union, I couldn't get the Gear on Saturday. Bitterly disappointed with that, and now possibly the products mainly clothes and houseware MIGHTNED be available as I hadn't the cash. For today Monday. The Credit Union ain't open on a Monday. So that's a bummer. So I just stayed on in bed. NOT realising that I was late for the PDC Course I'm currently doing. They have strict policies, whereby if I don't tell them in advanced that I'm unable to make it, TWICE, they will strike me off the course.

It was a bit of a bummer, that I was about half or so late. I apologiest to the facilitators for being late. So with that sorted, the class continued.

WE were all asked what would be our reaction if a parcel was left in your bedroom and it neatly wrapped. The majority of the group had intiatil negative thinking, however with me I had said: "Thoughtful of them". Others came up with wondering w hats' in it, who left it, etc.,

I bumped into Brendan S previous and he waited around. He went to see The Giver(Review here). So I stayed with him for awhile. Walked with him to the bus. While waiting, I encountered a black guy in a tank top. He' was so delicious. mmmm

Diary 15th September 2014

Well as Mom was collected me to do gardening with Dad, I stayed up ie another LACK OF SLEEP. hahaah; I have been looking at TV the whole night. hahaahah. So then Mom arrived. As I had a few errand of my own to do especially my Bank, I had stressed to her that they's VIP. I had AIB to pay, as I mixed up the dates for my Sky Bill which WAS due on Friday ONTOP of my Loan Payment. I mixed up the lot completly. So that left me in debt of €95 which I wasn't gonna let the bank get the better of me unlike last year. Now my next worry was to try to figure out for my next errand which is Lidl how am I gonna get the cash for that when I realsied that my Credit Union was closed on a Monday, which is normal. So I withdrew from An Post, but as it happens it wasn't enough. I lodged my required €45 for my debt, to AIB, then onwards to Folks place. Whiel withdrawing and heading to wartds back to mom's car, I saw Phil. He was a barman, when I working in Kennedy's back when I was younger. hahaahh.

To start on the gardening. He was doing the hedge. Mom had asked when we last did the hedge. She thought likewise, I did too, it was back in April or at least the beginning of the year. But as it happens, its actually June 24th. So we continued. We did mulching. Then afterwards a break was deserved by all. While having a break, more so a dinner. Mom pointed out to me that Paisley was a bigot. Didn't I think that he was against gays or whatever, but actually against CATHOLICS. She even quoted him as saying that he referred to us as "Vermins". I have notice though however, that Mom has changed alrite, ever since she went to Pride march back in June. Why I say such, was joking with me about guys et.c, and "Oh you don't say that" etc., etc., So then Dad and I got back onto work. I was mowing his lawn. I can't even remember the last time, I mowed his lawn.

So then Mom brought me up to Lidls in Artnae. TO get a few stuff. There was a lady ahead of me, who dropped all the coins, likewise me. I had dropped my note etc., I then headed to pay for the stuff. Then we went back to her place, as I was to type out an email to Jim(Dad's relative in the States). So then Mom thought as she MIGHTNED be around tomorrow as she may have to go to a funeral, to collect my laundry, that she go today to collect the laundry. When we did so, it was found that they hand't started as I had specified Tuesday. So bottomline it wasn't ready.

So then I got ready. While I was getting ready, I heard Frankie(the landlord). THis has been his second visit, and to date, NO phonecall, NO attempt to even contact me, assuming he knows I'm inside. But at least a little phonecall wouldn't go amiss. But eitehrway, I'm living it i up to him. When  he wants to do renovation, he tells m when, I will gladly go along.
I popped into Lidls to get more clothes. hahaha. I'm trying to achieve one goal. And that is to LOOK normal to the public. I'd to feel that I ain't. LIke to day for e.g, I had a heavy jumper, Tshrit(WIHT COllar), Vest, Trackies Trousers. EVen that didnt' still satidsfiy the pub.ice.
So then it was time to get ready for the PDC(Personal Dvelopment Course). Today's lecture was based on ASSERTIVENESS. Twas quite a difficult one, However I still maintained my understanding.
Our first task was to do a memory game. Person 1 would say their NAME, and their one thing ABOUT THEM e.g Sammy,  Person 2 would say Sammy, Puppy and my name is Patch and I'm a puppy etc., etc., Examples of others quite amusing. Such as Dragging a boat, works at Unibar, Marathon, Florists, etc., etc., When i twas my turn , I said my name Georgian and of course what I like about me is Green Tea.

Self Assertiveness:
Is defined as follows:

• Force
• Mutual acceptance
• not being a fraid of who you are
• Boundaries
• Communication
• Feelings
• Behavior
• Open to Criticisms
• Context
• Self Expression: For this bullet point, I gave an example of the gays dissing me at Pride, they were quite interested. Listened attentively. Bottom line, I explained that I was trying to bring US to Ireland ie American Gay traditions over to Ireland. 

Then the 4 Methods of Communications:

Passive - Point out the Pet Peeves
Passive/Aggressive - OMGLike, Don't answer phone etc.,
Aggressive - Explosive/Violence
Assertive - Advising/SAY in Nice tone/ Being you/ Being angry BIT physical ie Compromise

WE were broken up into groups of 3. And asked to give an example. Our group consisting of Dave(Who works behind the counter),
Passive
 Let some one skip queue
Assertive
 Telling sis that I'm gay
Aggressive
 last out after Overnight study

Then it was time to get onto Assertiveness Skills
Be Specific
Repetition
Compromise
Self Disclosure agree with true feed
Disagree if untrue
Aggressive if Started BY YOU
e.g ppl who won't shut up through film.

Then as we went for a break, I was brought as side, by one of the peers Eugene asking about my phone usage and being a distraction. He was actually really nice about it. I explained, that I take notes down and as the notes, which I checked on my email is so difficult to understand. Like I can speak English no problems, BUT when it comes to written, I get completely lost. So the the stuff they say in the actual class, that I understand. He thought it would benefit the class After the break that I got and tell the class. I was actually getting nervous thinking they'd think I was recording them or something.

So then the second part of the class commenced in which we started with Self Esteem.
Inwards

Sexy
Going topless
Self Esteem is defined by the relationship between you and the Inside
Self Approval
 compliments

Self Esteem Scale
1.......5,6,7.......10
         Most
         People
can change with events, etc.,
Start with small
Learn to appreciate your yourself
Avoid negative people
Doing something your good at
Acknowledgement

Shortly before the class finished, a member asked about a homophobe who constantly quotes the bible etc., Twas quite distributing. And get this, they's the best of buddies, YET when ever the subject of homosexuality appears he does this. He just wanted to find out which part of the methods of Communication would it fit in, namely Passive/PassiveAggressive/Asssertive.

I bumped into Ronan. Great to see him. And Bernard. who else. hehehehe. After the class was finished, Bernard gave a little lecture of Henry 8th and the way WOMEN are treated in India, etc.,e tc., Quite intriguing but as Martin(who's part of hte course) says anything Positive. ahhahahaah. So then Martin and I headed on home. Martin who is from Waterford(originally Germany) works in Waterford had to head home, as had to be home for work(florist) for the morning. Imagine coming up to Dublin for 2 hrs every week. Wow. So after I left him, I headed to Indian Taste, the Rice could have done with more flavoring. Then onto Nicos, I thought Nicos was the best of the lot. The owner of Nicos was telling me, after I enquired that he was getting the outside painted or something. He explained for his 40th Anniversary in Dublin, he is renovating. Buy means of pain at the very least and a party in the New Year. Then I noted and told the owner that the Chinese next door has changed the name YET AGAIN!!!! hahaaha. He explained possibly for Tax reasons. Maybe tax evasion?????So then I went into Bao Trans and got myself a takeout. I found the curry to be of sweet flavor than normal. So then I enjoyed my feast and my sis' wine of which she DIDN'T want. I had BareFoot Red Wine, It was so strong. I kept throwing it out. However hers wasn't too bad.

Finally Found or why my wallpaper kept changing. Everytime, I wanted to set my wallpaper on my Home and Lock Screens, after a few minutes, the phone would change the wallpapper. Well on the Home Screens. IT was quite infuriating. So I Googled and even Google himself was baffled. Bottomline, it was actually my IFTTT I had initially setup, that 500px Wallpapers would change every few minutes. Its a recipe I had setup. You may remember the last time, IFTTT was playing with my older cell phone, and it now its after catching me out yet again. hahaah.

NEWS

The Garda Penalty point abuse system, has come to light again, after Sr. Maurice McCAbe(Whistelblower - who blew the whistle on the whole debacle).

Diary 8th September 2014

Well what a night it has been. I first got up at around 6ish after 2 half hour sleep. It was my first day at a course I had applied for a few weeks ago. Its called the Personal Development Course being held at the Outhouse. It is funded by the Dublin's Gay Switchboard and the Gay Men Health Service(The crowd that diagnosed me with Hepatitis B)

So I set about heading off on my first night course. I wasn't one bit nervous on the way. In fact, I was looking for the house that Yurean(The guy I met at the DublinFreeWHeelers event).  I got talking to Yurean yesterday via WhatsApp. Now I ain't sure whether he knows am gay or whatever. But the fact that I had a profile pic of an undies pic? yeahhhhh. So he just gave me his house number. Which I don't quite understand. So Then I had actually passed it.

So anyways I arrived at Outhouse. I got my cuppa tea, as my breath was horrible. By cuppa tea, I actually mean Peppermint Green tea. And later on Raspberry Tea. Bernard then checked me into the list. I headed on up to the Red Room. There were about 13 or so others there. Dave the guy behind the counter was there too. So at least a familiar face. I was getting increasingly nervous, my heart pumping.

So then the two men Tony and .... were the two presenters. We the students(lightly put) were lsitening. Its a course that involves US. Our first exercise was to introduce ourselves and to tell them What would we like to get out of the course and how we heard about it. My example was all garbled. I literally said it in such a state that I was nonsensical. So what I told them and the group of course, was that Maureen(My aunt - the Nun one), had popped into the Outhouse when I was coming out at the time and had asked them that my nephew is having a hard time coming out, if they could recommend anything. They recommended this particular course. I misinterpreted as that they wanted me to go into Psychiatric care for being gay.
Our next item was a little game. Whereby we got into a circle, and CLOSING our eyes, that we just shout out numbers WITHOUT repeating. And if there was a repetition that we would move back out of the circle. now I GRAVE and GREAT difficulty in closing my eyes. I've never experienced such. Then again, when ever I'm told to close my eyes, I've always NOT been able to keep em closed. They some how always kept opening. But tonight, I was under severe stress and strain, in trying to keep em closed. Guys I never said or told anyone, that this course would be easy, in particularly my homophobia, MAY be rehased. I ain't sure. I've only done 1 class out of 6.
I loved the idea of the or the ananlgy of the "Fridge" conecpt. THey had a drawing  board and "Fridge" papter. Whereby any ideas put on the the "Fridge" paper, that it would be revisisited the next class or wahtever.
Our next item was what was the group execteatin of the course.

• Sharing Experience
• Achieveing stronger of understanding of self interation with other men in group
• Feel happier amongst urself
• I contributed to this particaurlar item, whereby I said that if for whatever reason that I would be TRIGGERED, cuase I was on the verge of it. Consdiernign I had enoguh crap from my friends behavior last week etc., I didn't need anymore. E.g when I said the psychiatric e.g from my Aunt that was about to trigger me. So my point, would da course be able to curtail the triggers. 

Next, What IS Personal Development. 

Strive in Self Discovering. As my device(Sammy 2 where I was taking notes - was acting up), I missed a bit of this section of the class. 

We were then asked to describe terms that relate to "Gay"/"Bisexual"

• Faggot(TOO Well Known to me - and everyone else hahaha)
• Steamer(Never heard of it)
• Shift lifter(Never heard of it)
• Cock Muncher(Never heard of it)
• TLDNS: The Love who dare not speak his name(Never heard of it - apparently its to do with Oscar Wilde)
• Friend
• ARse Bandit(Recently I was called this at Gay Pride 2014)
• Friend of Dorothy(more than likely referring to the film - The Wizard of Oz)
• Ponce(The Look/Non Word)(Never heard of it)
• Bum Snatcher(Never heard of it)
• Bitch
• Faghag(A friendly term of whereby a FEMALE is a companion to a gay man - VERY popular in the United States, kinda popular in Republic of Ireland. NOT sure about NI

Then onto DEFINITIONS of Internalised Homophobia. I found this to be of quite interesting. 

Distance from Early Friendships(In my case - they chickened out)

Soften the blow of being attacked by calling the person who calls you name, the same name. E.g if a guy calls you faggot and YOU are gay, then you call him faggot, and it will diffuse the situation. 

Low self Esteem/ Confidence
Avoidance of Gay venues
Wreckless sex ie Boilerhouse

There was a guy there who lived in Oz, and enjoyed every moment of it gay wise. When he moved back to Ireland, he was gobsmacked. This particular guy developed Internalised Homophobia. So I guess even from writing this blog post, has thought me that I actually HAVE Internalised Homophobia. And I don't even say it. In my case it is in relating to the abuse I would have received in the past.

So we got onto a lighter form of the course ie POSITIVES of Being Gay

• Meeting the wright person
• Learn more about your family and friends
• Love
• IN touch with your feelings
• can turn stereotypes
• Its OK if you look after your appearance
• I will survive
• Independent
• Beauty
• More wittier
• Aesthetic
• WE can be good talkers and listeners
• Better life
• Expressions Sexually
• Sexual health matters
• Open Minded
• Sensitive
• Tolerant
• Close Friends
• Motivation

So then at the very end of the course, we were all asked to give one word, some said They felt Younger when they came out of the course, others said they feel HAPPIER now. I said Very Intriguing and inquisitive of the course. 

Some were congratulated for ENTERING a gay venue ie the Outhouse for the first time. I remember the time like it was yesterday, my first time going into a gay bar ON ME OWN. It was unreal. My heart pumping etc., etc., Especially going into the Outhouse. Wow  was my heart not pumping. hahaha

So in the middle of the class, we were encouraged to go for a break. We all went down to the cafe. One of the class members Tom(I think), got talking to me. MY my, my confidence in TALKING to strangers like as in class members or etc., etc., BUY clearly I don't react too well to GROUP sessions etc., I did eventually come out of my shell. But  talking to my peers in person to person was a cinch. So I then got talking to Richard who is a Filipino from Manila. I was most intrigued of is name. I thought his name was in a Filipino spelling BUT nope. He said its just on his Birth Cert. heheeh. So then we went back up to the room to do our last exercise, which I have outlined above. Then the class came to an end for week 1. Our first session was over. So we should be settling in quite well. hehehe. So I came back down with my Raspberry tea I got during the break to finish it off in the cafe. I bumped into Searson. Great to see him.

On the way back home, I came across Yurean's place. So then I noticed something funny with the numbering. In that Numbers 90 DOWN to 1 is on the same ROAD as 1 to 90 on the same side. BUT with a BIG difference. Summerhill Parade AND Ballybough Road on the same road. Quite Unusual at the very least on the Numbers aspect.

NEWS

Cardinal Sean Brady has stood down after Pope Francis accepted his resignation. He stood down over age grounds. His tenure has been overshadowed by controversy over the hiding of the Brendan Smith case. Archbishop Éamonn Martin now replaces Sean Brady and becomes the Roman Catholic Primate of All Ireland and Archbishop of Armagh.

Buckingham Palace has announced that the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Winslet is pregnant with a second child. I wish her the very of everything.

A young lad by the name Quaid CLeven has won an award for wanting the inclusion of EVERYONE when it comes to sign language. He wants everyone to use sign language, so that everyone "can communicate together ". He would like the Irish public to get starting on Sign Language so that the Deaf people can communicate as he puts it. Also would be ideal if the Late Late Toy Show would do the same. Thats his hopes.

RYanair have purchased for $11bn for 737 Max. It can accommodate more passengers, fuel efficient. And travel further too.