Diary 7th November 2015

PS This post contains NSFW content by means of self harm and suicidality. ie TRIGGER

Well as you can gather no improvement on my thoughts. So my last thought before I actually got up was to butcher meself depending on Maureen's answer, if she remembers a black guy in eh orphanage and if she does, then I would butcher meself like a carcass, like the way they yank the skin thing off before the meat in question and it hanging off and then somehow getting up to the hospital. I attempt to put toilet paper, as I don't have any bandages. But low and behold I saw Sammy his ass facing me, and I said to myself I wanna see his face , hahah. So I played with BOTH Patch n Sammy. ehehhe and my Ducky and my Sleevenies, hehehehe. So that got my suicidality and self harm, more so self harm thoughts away.

So I got up and rang Maureen my Aunt to find out if she remembers the Black guy who was in my dreams a few months ago, as expected she couldn't remember. So then I got up showered and watched the news. My sis popped down for some downloading.

I then headed out with a view of seeing Edmund, head of Vegan Ireland and Evelyn and the french woman GLoria(Glo) and then onto Pan(Review here) and then to folks as Ailish and Noel are away to mind Noeleen and Andrew's kids as they themselves are celebrating their 17th ANniversary in Rome, funnily where they got married initially. ahahah.

So then I headed onto Edmund and saw them at the table to protest against Fur, as per every Saturday afternoon. Then afterwards, the 4 of us, Edmund, Glo, Evelyne and myself headed onto Cornucopia. heheh. I had a beautiful Vegan Chocolate FUdge Cake. It was so scrumptious and heaven. hahha. We were chatting away, I was chatting with GLo, and before you know it, time caught up with us and as such, I wasn't able to get a pressie AND the cinema in at all. The pressoe, was well too late. And then cinema indeed hahaah. We were chatting about her course which brought great memories back from my college days. However with programming!!!!. Like although I love it an all, I just can't hack it in a business environment.

So I headed on up to Mom n Dad's directly. heehehe. I was joined by my sis. We had a nice meal. ehheh. hhahaaLooked at TV etc.,

Diary 7th November 2015

Diary 6th November 2015

Diary 6th November 2015

PS This post contains NSFW content by means of self harm and suicidility. ie TRIGGER

While last night's sleep wasn't as bad as the previous night's, it most sure was no better. I endured, such traumatic events again and again and again. I endured more harrowing dreams and more so thoughts this time round. Like one of the thoughts, would be when  I'm with my folks, that I go up and tell em that I've been raped by the guy in Romania. It has been made clearer to me that its a very strong possibility that I have may have been molested. So in so telling em this, I react very bad like a maniac in terms of crying constantly and braking plates etc., Then another thought would be that I be on the edge of the River Liffey, And in so doing I ring Barry whom I hold dearly as a very well respected friend and of course my sis. They both meet each other to state that "I'm sorry to meet you under the current circumstances", while attempting to save me I hold onto a pole but the wind whisks me in, and somehow I end up in Vincent's Hosp. I again react badly when staff attempt to touch me. I ask them what you give me, they tell me Haloperidol. Then another is that I kill myself cause I ate meat, despite giving several hundreds to animal charities and sanctuaries etc., So inso doing I give my family a letter stating that "I couldn't look at other Vegans etc., and tell them I ate an animal by accident. I couldn't even live with myself". Something like that. Then another would be that I put up on FB that I just can't deal with all of this dreams etc., etc., and tagging Curt, My sis etc., etc.,

Diary 5th November 2015

Well what a night I suffered last night, shortly after going to bed.

Dreams

1) Group of lads waiting outside with weapons, I accidently pull back my blanky and they come charging at me, I get the fright of my life

AFterwards, with the fright I woke up to take a leak, and only remember why I got the shits yesterday before going to bed, and that is because of the relatives that maybe making fun of me video etc., and the keith vid top. Now what am saying ere is, that I made a video of me singing THe WIld Rover from the Dubliners concert, I was looking at. Then when I email Michael that he goes and shows the video etc., etc., then to hear of the mockery or whatever. This occurred a few years ago when my sis told me of this, Michael showed around in a mockery format of my ex and I kissing to his family. 

Dreams reuming

2)shitting in bed literally. Bringing my Romanian nightmare back to life. I apparnetly did this in the orphanage. 

3). I was clearly suicidal, no one gets me, its unreal.

4)Devastated to find out it was Dara Coffey who spreading rumours about me sexing with a woman, cause I say I am fuckign gay".

5) Then another being I'm in a line, being told by the soldier to stay in line. Yet the soldier gestures something else, he continues to tell me to stay in line. I get mixed signals. 

6) Then another one which might I remind you repeated. WHat I mean is that I'm with a group of people or something, We are running with another person. And then perahsp beat him up. Soemthing to that affect. 

As u can gather, it wasn’t the best night of my life. In fact the worse. Like I mean, I had diarrhea, Leg pains, Stomach pains, Back pain, oh boi the back pain, and of course the above dreams, of which I’ve never had in me life. It was unreal.

So after that, I was to meet Maureen. It was unfortunate thou, that I was very late for her. I then realised that I had put it as PM instead of AM. Ahahah. So I got to meet her, in the end. I told her of the above Dreams. She puts it as me release my “fears” outta my system. We chatted about Romania, sure what's new. hahaah. 

I headed onto the cinema to see Pan(Review here). I then went onto the Outhouse. Where I was greeted with alot guys. heeheh. I told em of my above dreams. There was a cousnellor who was there I didn't even know. hahaah. He told me that in the Soldier dream, that the soldier is acutgally "me" and that I am questioning myself or telling myself someting. Then shortly afterwards O' Farrell came along, back to square one with him, I think. The fact that I paid for him :( :(. Then shortly afterwards, I headed on back home.